When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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