did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
