i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
