Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
