I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
