I just pynch a tree in the face
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
