I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Randomize
