turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
