Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
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But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
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his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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