dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Randomize