i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
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