There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
