at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
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