The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
