whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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