Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
