Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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