Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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