I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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