she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
