I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Randomize
