I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Randomize
