3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
