God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
His nipple licking is glorious
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