my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Success! We fucked roommates!
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
