my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
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