life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
you win again, gameday.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Randomize
