LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Randomize
