left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
