seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
