Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
