So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
