i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
