Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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