he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Randomize
