I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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