The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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