a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
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