Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
