Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
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Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
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Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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