The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
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