Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I checked into jail on foursquare
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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