do herpes really smell.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
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