someone threw a dead crab at me
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
My penis needs a shock collar
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
