you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Randomize
