I accidentally had phone sex last night
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Randomize
