Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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