I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
i wish my penis had a tongue
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
