Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
we're so committed to being not committed
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
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