How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I'm both gender and math confused
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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