ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
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so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
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I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
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