she was so not down for the gang bang
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
