She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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