So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
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