K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
