If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Randomize
