I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
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No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
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July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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